Enemies of Reason Poundshop potshots at the media moral maze.

Diving into the wanktank

I like to think they Taxpayers Alliance and other groups like them live in giant Batcave-like constructions with a giant red telephone in the middle of the room that rings whenever a journalist needs a chippy quote or two to plump out a withering front-page story. "Quick, quick! The Shitphone's ringing!" they declare, sliding down the fireman's pole, "Someone, somewhere, some poor needy hack with a deadline to hit and very little discernible news in the world, needs some rubbishy outrage from someone who sounds like they're an expert, whereas really it's us living in our space-age bunker buried in a Carmarthenshire hillside, down to the last ten tins of spaghetti hoops and considering cannibalism if this cabin fever doesn't go away, blethering on about news and stuff with all the inside knowledge and expertise of someone who once had a copy of the Daily Mail blow into their face while they were walking their dog."

Commenter Alex on my post about wheelie bins used a marvellous phrase which I hadn't heard before to describe these unfortunates: wanktank. It means the kind of self-appointed 'thinktank' (is there any other kind, come to think of it?) who like to label themselves as the experts bar none on any given topic - generally political correctness or health and safety or some other abstract thing haven gone predictably mad in some way that will upset hard-working taxpayers (and not lazy taxpayers, or even hard-working people who don't pay tax, or lazy people who don't pay tax, or anyone else you care to mention).

These things have always existed of course, long before they were more elegantly labelled as 'Astroturf' pressure groups because they provide a verisimilitude of grass roots. But they're ever more powerful nowadays, as deskbound journalists have seen their role reduced to glorified data entry and are constantly battling to find ready-made copy - with a sprinkling of outrage against the usual tabloid ghost train bogeymen.

And when you desperately need a quote to prop up a bollocks story, they're always on the other end of the line. Always there to save your arse and give you an extra hundred or so words of utter gobshitery. Now I'm not saying that there's not room for amateurs like me to have our say on things - otherwise I'd be kind of undermining myself, wouldn't I? But the credence given to the views of these folk is amazing.

Who, for example, would call the Taxpayers Alliance taxpayers' leaders? Leaders? Really? They're leading us, are they? Honestly, leaders? Leaders? Leaders? Leaders. Apparently the TPA are leaders. They're our leaders. They're better than the rest of us, because they're leaders. Leaders. Yes, I haven't made a mistake. Leaders. The TPA are leaders.

Who, you might wonder as you pick yourself up off the floor, regards the TPA as leaders? I'll give you a biscuit if you can guess. Actually I won't, because you've already guessed, haven't you?

Scandal! Outrage! But who is seeing scandal, and who is outraged? Why, it's our leaders, of course:

THOUSANDS of prisoners who can’t find work in jail are claiming millions of pounds of tax- payers’ money in unemployment and sickness benefits.

Over the past three years Labour has shelled out almost £100million to 80,000 convicts eligible for the payments, it emerged last night.

The revelation sparked outrage among opposition MPs and taxpayers’ leaders as it was admitted that prisons where workshops are full allow inmates to claim £2.50 a week in unemployment benefits and the same in sick pay.

Sounds like this a new thing, doesn't it - even though the scheme was introduced in 1995 under a, let me see, Conservative Government. But all of a sudden there is outrage among opposition MPs and taxpayers' leaders. No, you read that right - taxpayers' leaders. Our leaders:

But the system was condemned by the Taxpayers’ Alliance, which said each prisoner already cost the British public £45,000 every year.

Our leaders, ladies and gentlemen. Funny thing is, I'm a taxpayer, but no-one asked me if the TPA could be my leader. I don't remember the memo where we were all asked if this bunch of rum old suspects could be our representatives. Do you remember that?

The Express also quotes the shadow home secretary, and a backbench Tory who is "a campaigner against political correctness" (what has prisoners being paid benefits or wages got to do with political correctness? It's almost as if 'political correctness' has come to mean 'anything vaguely liberal ever that doesn't involve bringing back the birch and national service) to discuss this scandal. A scandal that has provoked outrage! Prisoners being allowed to work for money, and then being allowed to claim benefits if there's no work available! How much of a fortune are these dirty lags being allowed to rake in then (and guess who's paying?!)...?

But prisons where workshops are full allow inmates to claim £2.50 a week in unemployment payouts and the same in sick pay.

Come again?

But prisons where workshops are full allow inmates to claim £2.50 a week in unemployment payouts and the same in sick pay.

Two pounds fifty a week. Cor, the scandal! The outrage! And how much do these awful bastards get if they do their work properly?

Around 10,000 prisoners earn £4 a week on prison-run workshops while others work for external companies, such as Virgin Air where they repack headphones.

I see.

It has emerged that over three years, the Ministry of Justice has paid out a total of £93.5million in “earnings” to convicted criminals.

I can't help wondering if the wages and benefits have been added together to provide a bigger, more shocking figure. But anyway. What do you get from our 'leaders' at the TPA when you ask them for a juicy quote?

But the system was condemned by the Taxpayers’ Alliance, which said each prisoner already cost the British public £45,000 every year.

Matthew Sinclair, their policy analyst, said: “These benefits are designed to support those who need help getting through periods of unemployment, not people who are already being detained at vast cost to the taxpayer.”

Of course the TPA didn't exist back in 1995, when I'm absolutely sure it would have condemned the Conservative Government's introduction of the scheme. But there's the problem with their quote - these benefits are specifically designed to incentivise and reward prisoners. They're not the same as ordinary unemployment benefits. And yet our 'leaders' would like us to think that they are - and if that props up a fairly flimsy Express story, then they're happy to use those quotes.

I think it would be nice if people did start using the term 'wanktank' to describe those kinds of thinktanks that don't do a great deal of thinking and merely exist to pursue a narrow political agenda. At least it would be honest. By all means use the quotes from the TPA, Big Brother Watch, The Campaign Against Political Correctness and so on; but just call them 'wanktanks' when you do it. Then we all know where we stand.