Hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonk
In my view you can only complain about the vuvuzela if you don't own (1) a lawnmower, (2) a hedge trimmer, (3) a hoover, (4) an angle grinder, (5) a yappy dog, (6) young children who SHOUT ALL THE TIME, (7) a motorbike, (8) a Chris de Burgh album, (9) a tumble dryer or (10) an annoying cough that sounds like you're gargling with tarmac every half-an-hour.
We all make annoying noises. Some of us make annoying noises in the right place - for example, a football ground - and others of us make annoying noises in the wrong place - like in the back garden next to mine, when it's a peaceful summery afternoon, and the rain has just subsided long enough for me to kid myself that it might be a nice day, before you start up whatever fucking dreadful buzzing shit noise you've decided to wreck my afternoon with, just to trim some fucking branches, or a bit of your poxy lawn, or whatever it is.
We've all got vuvuzelas. We've all got noises that piss us off. We've all got things that irritate us. For me, a yappy dog is a million times worse than hearing the sound of a South African football stadium in a football match taking place in South Africa. I don't ask that yappy dogs be banned. Merely gassed silently and chucked into the river. What's wrong with that? All right, all right, before you get annoyed, I don't want yappy dogs to be killed. Put in comas. All right, not that either. What are you people like?
The thing is, there are all kinds of noises that we don't like. I may not like your Chris de Burgh album, but you might think it's the most lovely sound in the world. You're wrong, of course, and in a fair and just world you would be boiled alive in tramp sick for all eternity for daring to even approach the De Burgh section of HMV; but life isn't like that, I'm afraid. We really must tolerate each other's problems, each other's little annoying things. We've all got to live together. Gary Coleman's only just died, and we've ALREADY forgotten the message of Diff'rent Strokes. It's a sadness, I can tell you. *wipes away tear*
Look, it's football on another continent. I find myself in agreement with Tim bloody Lovejoy on this - do you know how this makes me feel? I want to scrub my soul with Vim to make the dirtiness go away. But he's right. This is South Africa. A lot of those geezers in the stands have worked bloody hard, and saved up for a long time, to be able to afford a ticket, and they've got the right to parp their blarey horns if they like. Oh, so it might slightly irritate a few people at home who'd prefer it was like a snooker match. Well tough shit. Those guys have paid their money - a hell of a lot of money for them - and they can do whatever the hell they like, as far as I'm concerned. If you didn't want them in the seats, I'm sure we could have bussed in a few mannequins to pretend to be South African football fans, if you'd have preferred that...?
Fifa gets so many things wrong. It's an awful faceless monstrosity of a corporate entity, blandifying and homogenising the beautiful game; but it's got it right on Africa. An African World Cup should sound like an African World Cup. You know, if it was in England we could get those traditional tremendously charming and hilarious songs about Leeds fans being stabbed, or the Munich air crash - or maybe even stuff about the Second World War towards Germany - the tremendous colour and uplifting sounds of English terraces. Or even that fucking band playing The Great Escape over and over and over and over and over again, despite England not being in a position whereby they need to escape anything (although to be fair, that might be relevant this time around. But I digress.)
There are going to be a lot of irritations in everyday life, and football is no different. The result doesn't go your way, your goalkeeper is a butterfingered buffoon (more on him and his treatment by the papers later), James Milner not only exists and but also desperately tries to get sent off within half an hour, Clive Tyldesley tells you - despite the evidence of your own eyes - that England are playing really well, when they aren't. And Andy Townsend, for fuck's sake. You're upset about a bit of buzzing in the background when that cunt's rambling away at a volume that no-one can avoid? Priorities, people!
It's weird when you think of the myths and rumours surrounding England shirt and flag bans and the World Cup - and occasionally there is evidence that people are told to take flags down, though you'll note the quote about "This is not about offending other people" tucked away down the bottom - that now English people are grumpily talking about banning something several thousand miles away which represents another nation's cultural identity. I find that a bit annoying. Just as England flags and shirts and so on should not be banned (and in the vast majority of cases are never banned), how dare we get pissed off with local people enjoying their World Cup in the way they enjoy football. It smacks of a cultural superiority complex. What if South Africans get pissed off with seeing fat English bastards jumping up and down with their shirts off when they're watching the Premiership? Can they tell us to stop? Should they be allowed to? What if England won the rights to stage the World Cup in 2018, would we be happy with countries 1000s of miles away telling us how we should attend matches? I don't bloody think so.
No. Fuck it, the vuvuzela is a marvellous thing. If people want to blow their horns, they should be allowed to. Any move to ban it would make the South African World Cup a much poorer affair, a much more bland and homogenised thing. Do we really want that? I know I don't. Carry on honking, South Africa.
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Hello. I'm a Bristol-based writer and soon-to-be-redundant journalist. You can read more about me and the Enemies site here, or follow me on Twitter. Email me if you like - antonvowl at live dot co dot uk
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June 14th, 2010 - 09:05
I agree with the sentiment. Yes it’s in South Africa, it’s how they enjoy it, tickets are expensive etc, etc. So yes it would seem a little harsh to actually ban them.
I do however reserve the right to bitch about them incessantly. The same way you might if a neighbour started playing Chris DeBurgh at high volume.
June 14th, 2010 - 09:26
Let’s say Turkey host the World Cup some day. After several goals have been all but invisible on TV because of the smoke from all the flares, would FIFA defend the local fans’ right to “express themselves” through their “football culture”?
Why are the vuvulezas any different?
For what it’s worth, it’s not the noise itself that bothers me so much as the drowning out of all the oohs, aahs, ref-are-you-fucking-blinds, sudden deathly silences and other crowd atmospherics that, on the same principle as audience laughter in sitcoms, engage us by giving us cues to sit up straight, bite our knuckles or scrunch our beer can in anger. The vuvuzelas may create an atmosphere in the stadium, but it’s one that has nothing to do with what’s happening on the pitch at the time and so means very little.
(Good post, though, even if I don’t agree with most of it.)
June 15th, 2010 - 12:00
Completely agree…The vuvuzelas add atmosphere in the same way wasabi adds flavour. Relentless, overpowering, sense-deadening flavour.
Yes, that would make Cameroon-Japan the salmon sashimi of international football.
Not sure we should ban them. Can’t we just be British about it and glare and tut a bit at them in the hope they’ll realise and stop?
August 17th, 2010 - 21:19
Why do we have to talk about to “ban” or “not ban” vuvuzelas? If they’re wasabi then you have to accept that in another culture they like their wasabi full-on, and that culture is as valid as any other, more so when it’s playing host I’d say.
I personally accept that some English blokes like to paint their faces, chant obscene songs, pull off their England tops and expose their flabby white tits to humanity. I find it quite distasteful, but that seems to be part of the English football culture and there’d be murder if anyone said “Well you know, I’m trying to watch the ball and then I spot some topless, flag-waving bloke roaring away, spoils the nuances of the beautiful moves on the pitch it does, can’t we ban it or make them stop doing it?”
I’m not particularly arsed about football, I’ve no interest in it at all. But I don’t like the undercurrent of judgement going on with this vuvuzela thing, as though this country has some god-given right to be the final word on how people ought to create the crowd atmosphere, and if only those strange other people would listen they’d realise just how wrong they are.
June 15th, 2010 - 13:09
Wouldn’t the flares be banned on health and safety grounds??
June 14th, 2010 - 09:31
Bang on the money there. For me, it adds to the spectacle.
June 14th, 2010 - 09:33
I completely agree. They add atmosphere, along with the chants and songs.
June 14th, 2010 - 09:48
tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot !
June 14th, 2010 - 10:00
“I may not agree with your Chris De Burgh album, but I will defend to the death your right to play it.”
June 14th, 2010 - 10:20
Hang on a minute. Are you saying that people have genuinely suggested that they should be banned?
I know Twitter was full of people complaining about the noise, but that was about it, wasn’t it!? Oh dear God.
June 14th, 2010 - 11:27
Hear, hear. The more vuvuzelas the merrier – particularly if they drown out the bloody incopentent England band and, preferebly, ITV’s bloody incompetent commentators.
June 14th, 2010 - 11:28
Or incompetent, even. An appropriate typo if ever there was one…
June 14th, 2010 - 12:43
You can get football without the commentary with the almighty red button – perhaps they could do the same with the vuvuzela. They could probably just use a simple filter to cut the sound out; maybe it could be tuned to drown out those singalongs of “Self-Preservation Society” too. That way, the boring people can have their pure matches, unblemished by all those “foreigners” and their funny instruments, and the rest of us can actually enjoy hearing people being genuinely excited by the game.
June 14th, 2010 - 13:18
I agree we shouldn’t ban it. Christ. It’s not even our country. But the constant, whining monotony is beginning to drive me nuts. It’s not the sound itself; it’s just a horn, after all. It’s the incessant drone. It doesn’t rise or fall depending on the action. It doesn’t react to anything on the pitch. It doesn’t vary at all for NINETY MINUTES OR MORE!
But surely we could make that work in our favour? A simple noise-cancelling algorithm could take most of it away instantly because the pitch never changes. How hard could it be?
June 15th, 2010 - 09:26
Very hard, apparently. According to a report on the Beeb site the pitch varies more than you’d think, and also shares many of the same tones needed for human speech, so canceling it out will screw with all the voices as well.
June 15th, 2010 - 11:52
Simple. Fill the commentary box with helium. That way we’ll be able to hear clearly as they slowly asphyxiate.
June 14th, 2010 - 13:30
I don’t watch football out of choice (I would rather stick pins in my eyes). I live at home and my father is a big football fan. The games, I can put up with. The sound of that incessant droning when hungover; no. Just no.
My parents have both lived in South Africa for years and even they hate them.
June 14th, 2010 - 16:31
I’m with Archie V on this one, there is a lot to be said when watching football to listen to the crowd noise, that “gooowuuuuun” as some one darts down the wing. The “ooh” followed by a second of silence followed by a general raw when a shot gets turned over for a corner. Etc etc ad infinitum.
But like you say, it’s their country, nothing to do with me what they get up to on the terraces.
June 14th, 2010 - 18:55
Generals should be well-cooked.
(Roars with silly laughter)
June 14th, 2010 - 18:56
Thing is, I think they do vary somewhat over the course of a match… Not in pitch or tone, I’ll give you that… But sheer volume, now that’s another thing altogether.
So far, in the few breaks I’ve had for watching matches I’ve found that while you may think the vuvzelas are completely one dimensional, when something exciting happens they suddenly increase in volume from merely deafening to ear-bleeding Castle Donnington Monsters of Rock-esque noise levels.
Maybe it’s just that I like drone type music that I can tolerate it more than most, but I find the swell of volume has quite an effect on the excitement in the same way crowd noise does, it’s all a matter of tuning it out when there’s nothing going on (possible with practise I assure you).
They’re part of the whole costume and ritual that goes into South African football so to me any move by FIFA to ban them would, as you’ve said Anton, make the whole affair so much more bland and homogenised. The only thing I want bland and homogenised is US shopping malls thank you very much.
June 14th, 2010 - 23:57
I love the vuvuzelas and want one for myself. They could be brought over here – not just for sporting events, but for political debates, protests and anything else where being annoying and making a loud noise would come in handy. On Pride marches, for example – it’d make a bit of a change from the whistles, anyway.
June 15th, 2010 - 06:53
Vuvuzelas anytime over James “Fat and not funny” Corden.
June 15th, 2010 - 07:47
how many people bring a lawnmower, a hedge trimmer, a hoover, an angle grinder, a yappy dog, a motorbike, a Chris de Burgh album or a tumble dryer to a football match?
June 15th, 2010 - 08:20
At least football matches are meant to be noisy. My fucking back garden isn’t.
June 15th, 2010 - 09:42
Do you live on the same street as me because I’ve got the exact same fucking problems.
Nextdoor’s cunting dogs coupled with their bizarre obsession of firing energy and water at the ground (with something that apparently needs to sound like a late 1800′s combustion engine) for no reason I’m able to discern. The other nextdoor I think have grand kids who feel the need to run around screaming for hours at time, what’s slightly odd is they’ve been doing it for years yet don’t seem to be growing out of it, at all.
The guy behind me, I’m fairly certain is running a builders yard out of his garden, I’m vaguely tempted to report him, there’s got to be a zoning law against it.
June 15th, 2010 - 09:18
I’m with atomicspin. I tend to watch with the sound off anyway. Since they started putting players’ names on their backs (I’m old enough to remember when they didn’t) surely commentators are pretty much unnecessary?
June 15th, 2010 - 09:22
You couldn’t be much more wrong Anton. For starters, mass production of the vuvuzela started in 2001 and this ancient African football tradition dates back to the late 1990s. So we need to put a stop to this “ah but it’s african football’ crap. It’s as traditional as the easy chant.
The main problem with it for me isn’t that it’s annoying. Having watched every game so far (yeah I don’t have a job) I’ve basically tuned the thing out, I simply don’t hear it. It’s that it destroys any attempts at actual football atmosphere. Towards the end of Ghana v Serbia, as we approached the first African win in the first African World Cup, the camera cut to the Ghana fans who were dancing, clapping and, I assume, singing. I don’t know if they were singing, because I couldn’t hear them. Some real African flavour, lost. That was sad. Same with the Argentina fans on Saturday who usually create a great atmosphere. But no.
And there’s also the issue of it not reacting to what goes on on the field. Throw in = hooooooooonk. Goal kick = hoooooooooooooonk. Goal = hooooooooonk.
I do think the fact that everyone’s talking about the vuvuzela’s is a sad indictment of the tournament so far though. If the football had been any good we’d be talking about that.
June 15th, 2010 - 09:28
I don’t recall saying it was an ancient tradition.
June 15th, 2010 - 10:01
Nah you didn’t but that’s been one of the general justifications for it.
No-one has any comeback to the “it kills the atmosphere” point though. Aside from pot shots at England admittedly intensely annoying supporters band anyway.
June 15th, 2010 - 13:49
I’m not sure we can accurately comment on vuvuzela’s effect on the atmosphere unless we’ve been to the stadium and can see what it’s like first hand – I’ve heard both positive and negative comments from people who are out there. I’ve never thought TV particularly good at conveying the atmosphere of a game.
June 15th, 2010 - 13:54
If annoyingness noises are to be banned from football matches..then what about banning Portsmouth fans from jingling their jingly bits, Liverpool fans from singing “You’ll never walk alone” and Alan Green from doing radio commentaries and Arsenal fans for..oh they don’t make much noise do they?
June 15th, 2010 - 19:03
As a Portsmouth fan I can state for the record that the bell / bugle / drum bloke of whom you are speaking (I think) is great as long as you’re nowhere near him in the ground – in which instance it’s maddening beyond compare…
Still, it’s all part of the atmosphere innit?
June 15th, 2010 - 09:24
Well written as usual but I mostly disagree.
Lawnmowers and angle grinders and what have you, make annoying noises as a by-product. Vuvuzelas exist entirely to make annoying noises. No lawns are mown, no angles are ground. Just noise.
Chris de Burgh on the other hand… well, fair example.
I do agree banning them is out of question, and is along the same lines as banning any other piece of cultural identity. Like the mythical flag ban. It’s a South African thing and they’re entitled to it.
But that doesn’t make them any less annoying. And frankly I think it reflects badly on the country that so many are amused by producing a loud, flat annoying noise for 90 minutes. Football chants are of course usually inane and juvenile, but blowing a single note on a horn for an hour and a half is a three-year-olds’ idea of fun.
Yes without it there would be that stupid band playing that stupid song, but there’s also shouts of celebration, defeat, tension and surprise.
But those are barely audible. Instead, hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonk.
June 15th, 2010 - 09:28
So far the supporters of the instrument have failed to do much more than apologise for them. Words like “spectacle” and “culture” and “drone music” divert attention from the simple fact that white noise is, broadly speaking, an uncomfortable thing for most people, however useful its sources can be in the modern world.
You can learn to tolerate the vuvuzelas and construct (as above) deeply unconvincing justifications. But once they are there you can never have the immediacy, wit, cruelty, hilarity, drama, excitement, anger, variability, silliness, tedium or joy of an engaged partisan crowd back again. That is a real loss.
I just turn the sound right down. If I was there I would just wear the same protective earplugs I use at music Festivals.
June 15th, 2010 - 09:36
Do you take the earplugs out when you’re safely away from the music?
June 15th, 2010 - 10:35
pardon?
June 19th, 2010 - 17:37
You take earplugs to a music festival?
Is that not similar to wearing blacked out glasses in the Louvre?
June 15th, 2010 - 09:49
If they’d had vuvuzelas at the ’82 World Cup we’d have missed that magic moment when a disgruntled Scottish fan yelled “You’re a fucking wanker, Archibald!” about two feet from a pitch-side microphone.
June 15th, 2010 - 10:45
You know what, I actually rather like the vuvuzelas. They give games like Cameroon-Japan an atmosphere they might have lacked.
In any case, they’re far preferable to the England Supporter’s Band churning out another parping, off-tune rendition of The Great Escape. And Mick fucking McCarthy.
June 15th, 2010 - 12:26
Exactly. Right now I wish the vuvuzelas were drowning out Noel Gallagher.
June 15th, 2010 - 12:01
cripes – if people are like this after only a handful of matches god alone knows what they’ll be like after 4 weeks!! It’s the World Cup ffs – it’s supposed to be about the spectacle, the noise, the atmosphere, oh and the football.
June 15th, 2010 - 12:03
Whilst I appear to be one of the few people in the country that can actually ignore the vuvuzelas and enjoy the truly African colour they bring to the stadia, I have to say that the only thing I have against them is that they drown all the other celebrations out.
There are bands (not just the crappy England one), drums, whild chants of the name of your country, the fleeting high-pitched screams that seem to accompany any approach towards a penalty area.
All thes things are lost… like tears in the rain…
June 15th, 2010 - 12:52
The vuvuzela is the perfect instrument to represent football.
It sounds like everyone who has ever talked to me about football.
Its the drone of dull fixation.
June 15th, 2010 - 13:08
Absolutely awesome post and agree with every word of it! Well done! I salute you! Hoooonk, hooonk!
June 15th, 2010 - 14:53
I agree completely with this post.
I can’t believe middle class white people have the cheek to say the horns annoy them when most of these people won’t have stepped foot inside a football stadium (possibly ever).
Get a grip whingers!
June 15th, 2010 - 18:39
When I watch these football matches and hear the vuvuzela I can’t help but imagine there’s a huge bumblebee flying around the top of the stadium, bumping into the sides of the walls and trying to escape. That’s what it sounds like to me.
I like it. I think bumble bees are charming.
Great post!
June 17th, 2010 - 11:45
We now know how to silence them at least temporarily, viz. score three against Seth Efrika.